Well I logged in to my account the other day and was pleasantly surprised to see someone from the ether had found this little website and was moved enough by this junk I write to leave me a comment. Her name is Tatyana and she is 35, resides in Greece, and has been living with CML for 2 years. It sometimes shocks me when I hear of other young people being diagnosed but it's a reminder to me that cancer is not selective and it doesn't matter how old or young you are. If it's in your cards, chances are it's going to be dealt. That may sound fatalistic but one thing I've learned is that for most things we are unable to stem the tide of events. I've also learned that we have a lot of control in our lives, but for as much control as we're afforded we have just as much that is outside of our control. We have to learn to accept the things we cannot control and learn to manage the things we can. But it's a hard lesson to learn and sometimes determining what is and isn't within our control can be hard to distinguish. So thank you Tatyana for taking the minute to respond to my last post and reminding me that there may be people out there that I'm not aware of that I can help by sitting down and forcing myself to focus for a few minutes. The Sprycel I take makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on anything so these posts may seem to ramble on as i try to figure out what I'm trying to say. The other problem I have is I always have so MUCH to say but I don't want to start writing novellas and boring everyone to death or confusing them beyond repair.
But on to more pressing news. I recently learned that I may be up for a promotion but because I'm unable to work at least 40 hours a week it may be determined that I'm not fit for the position even though I'm qualified. Notice please that this is all CONJECTURE at this point and no final conclusion has been reached. But the person telling me this was "being real" with me. Which is total BS because I can be real too and say I live every day concerned about dying. Is that REAL enough for you? But this brief interaction has tentacles that reach far and wide in the corridors of my mind. I texted my partner after this conversation had taken place and I said something along the lines of "This is it. This fear of mine is finally real. I'm going to be stuck in crappy jobs like his for the rest of whatever life I have left because sick means burden and useless in the business world." And this way of thinking scares me especially when I look at myself personally. I work hard, I work 35 hours a week so that's technically full time, AND I do a LOT more work that the younger, healthier people at my job. So if the sick person can get everything done and then some why can't an otherwise healthy 19 year old run circles around me? This is the first time I'm running into a problem at work that is, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, directly related to me being a chronically ill person. I was also "criticized" for not working in the deli area of the store. I said to this "being real" person that there's a difference between can't and won't and on top of it I'm also a chronically sick worker so things are a little different for me. I do what I can and I can't work around sharp objects because if I cut myself and get my blood that's contaminated with poisonous CHEMOTHERAPY on a food preparation area then...it is what it is! I don't know, but I do know I was super aggravated and I felt like work was starting to become a dangerous place. I'm know I'm protected but still, thinking about it makes me very nervous and very sad. Have you had any problems at work because you're chronically ill? Leave me a comment or shoot me an e-mail! I need to start posting more posts and the more you talk to me the more you give me to think and write about! You will be noted in the post unless you give me explicit instructions not to do so. This way you get credit for your work and when I finally become famous you'll have